Christmas, Post-

So Christmas has come & gone; on-call for Maternity went well (ie. no-one insisted on calling their child "Jesus")












And for once, the traditional present-swapping fiasco was fairly successful all round.

I got:
- 9 books (7 humour, 1 serious and 1 Edward Monkton, ie both)
- several horrific stripy shirts (well done Mum for keeping the receipts)
- some very smart clothes from my bro (who got a cooking set from me - each of us looking after the others' area of deficiency)
- a Groove Glove, from one of my Consultants (I don't know which is more disturbing, that he thought it would be suitable for me or that I love it!)

The presents I bought were well received too (I got my brother a signed print from the excellent cartoon site Perry Bible Fellowship and I got Adam a Dance Dance Revolution game & mat for his PC.)

But Mum outdid us all by getting Sarah one of these incredible bags (makes up for the autobiography of Mother Theresa that Mum got me a few years back.)

Most importantly we all had several relaxed, quality family days together.


But sod that; next step - buy everything in THE SALES!!
(My brother & I have already spent 3 hours in Fopp earlier this week! Woohoo!)

Read More

Terms & Conditions

Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Winterval/Bank Holiday Monday!

Here are some interesting diagnoses & descriptions that you might not have heard before, as used in patients' notes.

Make sure you're sitting comfortably 'cos this is a long list! Enjoy!

love & hugs
-Suman-
----------------------------------------------------------------

Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound (also High Velocity Lead Poisoning)
Acute Gravity Attack - Fell over
Ash Cash - money for signing cremation forms; therefore...
Ash Point - Bereavement Office
Assuming Room Temperature - Dead

Babygram - X-raying a newborn
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarean)

Celestial Transfer / Transferred to the Eternal Care Unit (ECU) - died
Cephosplat - antibiotic Domestos
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity (obesity)
Cheerioma - a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
Cold-tea sign - refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)

Dagenham - (psych) Severely disturbed, i.e. 3 stops beyond Barking
DBI - Dirt Bag Index (no. of tattoos x no. of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed)
Dermaholiday - one of the less intensive clinical specialties...
DILF - nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Donorcycle - Motorbike
Double blind trial - two orthopaedic surgeons looking at an ECG
Doughnut - CT scanner
DTS - Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)

ERCP - Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient (an emergency catch-up procedure before the consultant rounds)

Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Failed Impact Resistance test - Crash victim
Failure to Fly - Attempted suicide
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
Freud squad - Psychiatrists
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

Gassers - Anaesthetists, as in gassers and slashers
God's Waiting Room - Intensive Care Unit or Geriatric Unit
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday, aka the hospital granny-sitting service

Handbag positive - Confused patient (usu. elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Hepatology Conference - Meeting in the pub (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being the Roman numeral 5)
House red - Blood

Inbreds - Doctors whose parents are also doctors
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a very minor car bump

JLD - Just Like Dad (which is often the explanation for FLK w/ GLM)
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - the source to quote for less than evidence-based medical 'facts'

LFTWM - Looking For 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)

MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians (i.e. passing doctor having a look-see)
MFI - a very large myocardial infarction
MICO - Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS - Masterly Inactivity, Catlike Observation and Steroids
Mushroom Syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them

n=1 trial - a polite term for experimenting on a patient
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital after discovering he has no insurance
NFN - Normal (for Norfolk)
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No Long-Playing Records (dying)

O-sign - patient unconscious with mouth open
Obecalp - a placebo drug
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away

Paninvestigram - order ALL the tests (for when you haven't got a clue what's going on )
PFO - Pissed, Fell Over
Parentectomy - often the most effective cure for a child's problems
Pathology outpatients - dead
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (also Aggressive Euthanasia)
PITA - Pain In The Ass
Policeman Lesion - abnormality on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
PVC Challenge - to intubate someone

Q-sign - patient unconscious with mouth open and tongue hanging out; Dotted Q means flies landing on tongue, i.e. dead

Rapid Lead Infusion - obnoxious patient ought to be shot
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance

Samsonite Positive - someone who comes to hospital in an 'emergency' but has brought all their luggage (& insists on being admitted to a ward)
Scepticaemia - what doctors develop with experience
September Club - the students who have to return early after summer holidays for exam retakes
Smellybridge - perineum
SOLOMF YOYO - So long, mother-f*****, you're on your own

Tash Test - rather insensitive sign initially thought to be predictive of HIV status
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TF BUNDY - Totally Fucked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
TFTB - Too Fat To Breathe
TLA - Three-Letter Acronym; used repeatedly by acronymophiliacs
TMB - Too Many Birthdays (old age)
Trans-occipital implant - bullet wound to the head
TTFO - Told To Fuck Off (when a doctor in court was asked about TTFO in his notes, he quick-wittedly replied that it stood for "To Take Fluids Orally")
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury (usually discovered on a Sunday morning )
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine

Vitamin H - Haloperidol
Vitamin P - Frusemide
VTMK - Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors...)

Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with vaginal thrush
Woolworth's Test - if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolworth's, it's safe to give them a general anaesthetic

Zebra - an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")


Plus there are lots of ways of expressing the most important diagnosis...

Lignocephalic (wooden-headed)
Low marble count
Microdeckia (patient playing with less that a full deck)
Mononeuronis Asynapsis (one neuron, not connected)
Oligoneuronal (few brain cells)
Plank Positive
Pneumocephalic (air-headed)
CNS QNS - Central nervous system: quantity not sufficient
EDGATWTTTF - Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor
ERNOBW - Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel

Finally, one for vets:
CSTO - Cat Smarter Than Owner

Read More

12 Days of Christmas

Here's a little present for you - be warned, you will not stop be able to stop singing it to yourself (in the accent)!



I've got something else for you too, but I'll post that on Christmas Day...

ttfn
- S -

Read More

A Magical Journey (by Suman aged 28 ¾)

The Story:

Once upon a time there was a shoe called Righty. His best friend was Lefty and they went everywhere together. One evening, after dark, they went out to a place with sounds and bright lights and they danced and had a great time.

When they were tired from dancing, they went into a quiet room and had a rest under a table. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical door appeared next to Righty and a wizard popped his head through.

"Hallo Righty!" said the wizard. He had white hair and a long white beard, and he was wearing purple robes and a pointy hat, and they were covered in lots of twinkly stars.

"How did you know my name?" said Righty, who was very surprised to see him.

"It's Magic!" replied the wizard, with a grin. "Would you like to come on an adventure with me?"

"Wow!" said Righty. He had always wanted to go on an adventure! Usually he and Lefty went round & round the same places every day until they back home to sleep.

"Can Lefty come with me?" he asked. Lefty was having a little snooze and didn't know the wizard was there.

"No" said the wizard "Only one of you can come with me on this adventure, otherwise it's too dangerous."

"Why?" asked Righty. "Where will we go?"

"We are going to see dragons and mountains and magical rivers and faraway places and lots of amazing things"" Righty was very excited. But he didn't want to leave Lefty. He always felt safe when they were together. He had never been anywhere on his own.

"I am a wizard". Said the wizard. "You can trust me. Look!" And he opened the door. Behind the wizard, Righty could see a magical land with mountains and streams, and orange and purple skies and fluffy pink clouds.

The wizard waved his magic wand and a flying carpet appeared out of thin air!

"We don't even have to walk" said the wizard, "we can fly everywhere. Do come with me Righty, I would like to have a friend with me."

Righty was proud that the wizard called him his friend. "OK" he said, "but I have to tell Lefty."

"There is no time" said the wizard, "but after our adventure I will bring you back here and you can tell Lefty all about it."

Righty wasn't sure. But he looked at the wizard and could tell that he could trust him.

So he hopped through the door and joined the wizard on the magic carpet.

And what an amazing adventure they had!


- - - THE END - - -

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reality:

I went to a club on Friday night. Sat down on a sofa in the chillout room, took my shoes off and put them under the little table in front of me. Half an hour later, I notice one of them's missing. I assume it's been kicked away by accident.
So I look everywhere, under the sofas, other rooms, ask the club staff, even looked in the street outside the club & rang back the next day - nothing.

I ended up with a cold, soaking wet right foot by the time I got home.

All because some cunt nicked my shoe.
For a laugh.


I hope Righty's gone to a better place. I'll miss you...

Read More

You too?

I've been to HMV twice to get Christmas presents, DVDs which it turns out they didn't stock.

Both times, they were playing I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...


Spooky...

Read More

Berried Alive

With less than two weeks before the big anticlimax day, I think it's nice to see Christmas decorations wherever you go.

But I don't agree with shops that have continuously thrown Christmas at you since September.
Or those that force the staff to dress up (Anne Summers are making all their staff wear little red Santa dresses - they look rather good on the younger shop girls, but on the post-menopausal ladies... well, I felt sick...)

A hospital can be a miserable place and I reckon decorations can make it look a lot nicer (when done in moderation).

But why did some fuckwit think it would be a good idea to cover the Acute Medical Ward at my hospital with mistletoe? A room full of very sick people. Filled with poisonous berries?

There are suicidal patients recovering from drug overdoses there - you might as well hand them a Morrissey CD & some razor blades and say "Have you tried cutting lengthways?"

And anyway, why would you want to kiss ANYONE on that ward?!? *





* have you SEEN the nurses? ugh...

Read More

b'dum DSH

I've seen many patients who have harmed themselves on purpose, and I'm aware that we as medics are perhaps not as compassionate as we should be with them and with mental illness.

But let's not even go there.

I want to complain about stupid people.

The ones who have got through their life so far by pure fluke - the Darwin-dodgers who are guaranteed, some day, to lose their life in a totally avoidable way. On a technicality, Gloria Gaynor's song is not for you - you won't survive.

Some people just don't register quite how ridiculous they are - eg. when I was doing my Paediatrics elective in Canada, I talked to the parents of a little boy with possible cardiac problems and asked them "Has anyone in the family ever had any heart problems?" "No" was the definite reply.
But I'd noticed when his dad (clumsily) took off his jumper that he had a scar down the middle of his chest.
"I needed a heart transplant a few years ago" he told me. "Oh wait, does that count?"


I was recently called to see a man with lifelong severe asthma. He had an attack after he took his regular blood pressure medication that night. I looked at the box - instead of giving him his repeat prescription, the pharmacist had somehow made a (potentially lethal) mistake and given him aspirin, a potent trigger which every brittle asthmatic knows to avoid. Inexcusable error.

But what worries me is that the patient:

- realised that this tablet was in a completely different box to usual
(a box which had "Aspirin" written on it on all 6 sides)
- realised that this tablet was a different colour to usual
- realised that this tablet was bigger than usual
(he'd examined it carefully but somehow missed "Aspirin" embossed on it)
- realised that this tablet started frothing when he put it on his tongue
(oh yes, it was a soluble aspirin folks)
and yet despite the nagging suspicion that something was definitely wrong with this tablet,
HE SWALLOWED IT ANYWAY!

It wasn't a fear thing, or a faith-in-the-medical-profession thing.
It was a dumb thing.
I had to stop myself from rolling up a newspaper and tapping him on the head with it saying "No!"

Anyway, he survived.



This time...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a teenager in her fourth pregnancy who had severe pain & vomiting.
She wouldn't let anyone put in a drip for painkillers/anti-sickness meds.
Because having a needle hurt.
This was a girl who had gone through childbirth several times.

GET SOME PERSPECTIVE!
(and some condoms)

(BONUS: Feel free to insert your own "not afraid of a little prick" joke here)

Read More

Christmas Presence

I think I may have already spoilt Christmas.

The thing I enjoy most about Christmas is choosing & buying presents for everyone. Unfortunately I managed to get everyone's in under half an hour. Fun's over.

Within 5 minutes of getting to the shops, I was heading back to drop off half a dozen bags in the car.


One thing I got Sarah was this microwaveable duck:

This is Ian.

(Say hello)







Ian is gay.



And he's just like a hot water bottle, but without the water. Or being a bottle.

He's been named Ian because pretty much EVERY Ian either of us has ever met in our entire lives has been a gay. Fact.

Look at him. That is not a straight duck.


Moving on... as for my brother's present, he & I always find that there's lots of stuff we want to get for ourselves, so I'm just waiting to hear what's on his list & we'll swap.

So that just leaves Adam.

We agreed to get each other something "a bit different" for under 20 quid.
Don't wanna get him a book or a T-shirt.
I have a few ideas but nothing brilliant.

Any suggestions?

Read More

re:Assuring

I just told Sarah I'm a bit worried about passing tomorrow's exam.

"According to Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum theory" she says, "you will both pass and fail, and you won't know which until you open the results envelope."

Eh?
-------------------------------------------------------

Go and see The Prestige .
It's an amazing, extraordinary film.

(But it might inspire your girlfriend to talk bollocks.)

Read More

Torniquet

Seeing as the previous video isn't working, have this one instead:



And if you've seen the original before, this version's far better for several reasons...

Read More

Bill Hicks

Rare performance - no swearing



But still genius.

(EDIT - and not working, sorry!)

Read More

Needless

I'm an Anaesthetist. I put in intravenous drips & central lines; I draw up various drugs from glass ampoules, I take blood and I put in stitches. I handle a variety of sharp things every day.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

While stitching a patient's arterial line in place yesterday, the needle accidentally went through my glove and pricked my finger. Bugger. Hassle.

Sadly there is no equivalent to the three-second rule* for needlestick injuries.

It's a common occurence in a hospital and can happen to almost anyone; that's why there are strict protocols to follow when it does happen because of the risk of catching blood-transmitted diseases (eg squeeze out any blood, run under a tap for 5 mins, contact the Occupational Health department, fill in forms, etc). Did all that. And thankfully my patient was low risk for carrying anything horrid and it was only a minor incident.

My main problem now was that I had to provide a blood sample for the lab for storage.

Now I can quite happily stick needles into other people. No problemo signor. Eez-a no big-a deal. Awake, asleep, adult, kid, any size, any needle - lemme at 'em.
As the 6th law of The House of God states: "THERE IS NO BODY CAVITY THAT CANNOT BE REACHED WITH A #14 NEEDLE AND A GOOD STRONG ARM"

I've lost count of the number of patients who've said to me
- "I don't like needles, Doc"
(It's always "Doc", never Doctor - does this happen in with other professions? Den? Vic? Who?)
And each time, I reassure them, whoever they are, young or old
- "It's not so bad. It's just a little scratch". That's what I tell other people.

But I lie. It is so bad. It's a hollow metal spike going through the skin.

And in this case, through my skin. And it hurts. Ow. More Ow. Still Ow. Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon....

I had foolishly agreed to let a newly-qualified doctor friend of mine with a spare minute take my blood sample. Despite the threats encouragement I gave him beforehand, he didn't get it first time. Of course, I wasn't initially aware of this because I was looking the other way, remoulding the plastic armrest of the chair as I gripped it tightly with the other hand. I did not cry.

It hurt though - and when he pulled the needle out, it still hurt.
I pressed a cotton-gauze pad against the site & I mumbled "thanks" but I was thinking "I hope you fall down eighteen flights of stairs onto a spike - why did it hurt so much, you bastard?"


After a few minutes of applying pressure, I took off the gauze. A purple-black bubble started to grow under my skin between two holes which started to leak red**. Oops. Slapped the gauze back on & asked the nurse for a fresh one.

It was at that very moment that the Consultant barked for me to come over and tell the assembled team about our new patient immediately.

So as I was presenting this man's case to an assortment of doctors, nurses & physiotherapists, Sister was knelt beside me putting a tight dressing on the front of my bleeding elbow. It must've looked absolutely ridiculous.

I tried not to think about it (it's just a little blood test for fuck's sake) but my elbow stayed sore the whole day.

I'm such a wuss.
In fact I've still got a plaster on it now...


Don't even get me started on pulling off plasters...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

* for food which falls on the floor - if you pick it up within 3 seconds, it's still clean and safe to eat (well-known medical fact)

** Yes, I know- I probably ought to have a clotting test done. Did I mention I don't like needles...

Read More

Little Old Ladies

Imagine a world without little old ladies? Who would run our charity shops & hospital cafes? It would be chaos.


I was working on ITU today (that's the Intensive Care Unit for those of you who can't work it out...)

One old woman patient was so unwell that her illness had changed her completely from being bright, sweet & pleasant to absolutely impossible to handle.

It was quite sad, the poor thing was confused as anything, pulled out all her drips, wouldn't let anyone near her to look after her - a nursing nightmare. And when the senior consultant went to talk to her with the rest of us around, the patient was having none of it. Confusion does not respect status.

I'm cross with myself for not having the presence of mind to write down what the old lady said. Because despite being as mad as a box of frogs, this pensioner, God knows how, spontaneously spat out at my boss a tirade of the most perfectly crafted, imaginative, florid insults I have ever heard. In my life.

Imagine the kind of intentionally hurtful names you'd call someone (or be called*) when you were a little kid, mixed with words that you'd think someone's grandma would never have even heard, let alone use, separated by suggestions so overwhelmingly profane they would have been cut from The Exorcist, all aggressively machine-gunned at one undeserving victim.

Thirty seconds of pure, concise offensiveness; she was spectacularly insulting. And we all watched silently.

At first.

One by one, the multidisciplinary team started to crack. One nurse had to hide her face behind a clipboard because she couldn't stop shaking with laughter. Another dived for cover from out of the bedspace curtains because she could not hold it in. None of us made eye contact for fear of bursting.

Miraculously, I remained straight-faced; but my eyes probably betrayed that I was in awe of this lady's verbal capacity.

The consultant remained perfectly unfazed; she ignored it and got on with sorting her out.



That's professionalism.

Read More

Good behaviour

My next shift isn't till Friday. So far, I have spent my time off wisely.

Last night I saw Casino Royale. I won't give any of the plot away but I have a few issues:

First off, it's a great film. Which makes up for Sarah not allowing me to wear a tuxedo to the cinema. When we got there EVERYONE was wearing them (all right, two guys, but still I wouldn't have looked out of place. In the dark).

Daniel Craig is perfect as James Bond; he's very old-school, probably as Ian Fleming had imagined him. In my opinion, he looks like Steve McQueen, particularly as he looks slightly out of focus compared to everyone else, just like Steve McQueen did in those computer-edited 1980s Holsten Pils adverts with Griff Rhys-Jones.

(Anyone still with me?)

There was one very cool gadget in the film - I might get an in-car defibrillator myself (& wire it to the passenger seat for a laugh...)

There were some scenes of Free Running (a.k.a Parkour), something I've always wanted to learn to do. I'm fairly bouncy, I can jump well & I've got reasonable balance... Who am I kidding? - I tried to climb up the walls of a passageway today (to read the gas meter outside my flat) and couldn't do it! I'll do it one day though....

As for the inaccuracies & handy coincidences, it is an action movie, you can let it go. I'm sure digitalis isn't so effective so quickly when you drink it, etc. Don't know about shagging straight after undergoing that kind of torture though...


And today I slept in till midday. Jeez, my breath when I got up, I swear it could've cut glass...


Then this afternoon I got my haircut. I'm not good with haircuts. I went in looking like a Lego man, I came out looking like a loo brush.

Could've been worse I s'pose. I once had long hair, a lot like Rachel from Friends... Come to think of it, I grew it like that first, which means she (and half the women in the Western world) copied me.

Which makes me a fashion icon.


Hey, not bad for a Wednesday.

Read More

Late-night conversation

I've just been to see an ENT patient on the ward:
"Can't you take him to ITU?" said his doctor. "We can't look after him here, the nurses can't see him from their desk."
Sadly, she was entirely serious.

I moved the desk. Problem solved.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On my way back to ITU, I popped into the Doctor's Mess. A bored medic was watching music TV. The Beatfreaks song Superfreak came on & a midget Michal Jackson impersonator appeared on screen.

"His cock's normal size" he says, without looking up from the telly.

"Huh?" was the best I could come up with. (I'm tired, OK?)

"They always are with midgets. His dick's gonna be the same size as a normal bloke's. Must look huge on him."

I asked him how he knew this. "Midget porn" he says.


You can't say my blog isn't educational...?

Read More

Good week, Bad week...

Lots has been happening this week - here's a summary (of what I can remember):


GOOD: Won the annual Hospital Pub Quiz along with a bunch of other anaesthetists ("The Gas Board"). Six points for knowing the Noble Gases - thanks Tom Lehrer!

BAD(ish): Went to a club afterwards - sober - on a student night; there were people there who were literally half my age. And the "cheese" they played (which for me is stuff like Come On Eileen, Living on a Prayer, etc) was only a few years old like Firestarter. I'm getting old, man...

GOOD: Was included in an article in Hospital Doctor (a weekly medical newspaper) about comedian doctors, alongside Harry Hill, Graham Garden, Graham Chapman, etc... wonder if I can put that on my CV?


BAD: Finished moving house - now live 50 miles away from Sarah.

GOOD: Finished moving house - now live 50 miles away from Sarah
(only joking if you're reading this, honey!)

BAD: Finished moving house - now I can't find anything because I don't know which box /bag any of my stuff is in. Out of thirty dotted around the new flat.

GOOD: Finished moving house - now live 50 miles away from Birmingham.


BAD: One of my colleagues was badly electrocuted by some faulty medical equipment - they're OK now after a few days in hospital but it really shouldn't have happened in the first place.
Shocking.

BAD but also GOOD: Pipex have, after 3 weeks, STILL not sorted out my internet connection at my new place (so I'm typing this at 2am on a break on an Intensive Care night shift).
However, this has meant that I'm not spending so much time sitting at my computer - and I've rediscovered my CD collection - some CDs I haven't listened to in years, early REM & Mansun, old compilations, NME cover discs - fantastic!

BAD: I found out that I own a Betty Boo CD (it was second hand...) Lord, please forgive me...

BAD/GOOD: One of our young but terminally ill patients quickly got much worse & died. We try not to get too attached in this job, but even so, several of us were crying. His family were all with him though, and he didn't suffer. It still sucks though.

GOOD: Completely out of the blue, 4 different nurses/students have said really complimentary things to me this week - I don't think they're after anything... (but you can't be too sure)


That'll do. You lot have been a bit stingy on comments of late, so feel free to contribute (preferably something reasonably sensible, but you can only do your best!)

Read More

House-warming

Studies have shown that, apart from death and divorce, moving house is the most stressful thing you go through in your life. Oh, I can believe that...

I thought I'd have finished over a week ago - I only just gave the keys back to my old place tonight. I am covered in dust, my chest full of the wheezes and have a car full of crap* that I couldn't bring myself to throw away (and that's after 2 carloads of journals & magazines to the paper recycling bins and 7 rubbish sacks of junk). And now I have to drive over to my new place, empty the car and tidy all the stuff away somewhere before I can go to bed! Gah!!


Can't wait to be back at work tomorrow, should be less stressful!

* Literally crap - some goit let his dog take a dump on Sarah's doorstep, which I stood in on my way out and didn't notice until I got into the car... grrr...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

BTW The central heating in my new place is fully electric and divided into zones; I have no idea how to operate the frankly baffling controller - so one room is freezing cold while another is hot enough for CDs to melt.
Not funny but relevant for the title of the post.

Read More

Fire works

I went to a Firework display on Sunday
(or "fire bombs" as Mum calls them - bless her) .

Hundreds of people were there at Edgbaston Cricket Ground; it was hosted by a local radio station so we all had to sit and listen to DJ banter and watch a couple of live R&B acts & a dance display and then join in several Mexican waves before they finally let us see some bloody fireworks, over an hour later.

The organisers had, however, made one crucial error.

They'd sat us so that we filled one half of the oval-shaped stadium - fair enough, we could all see the music stage & the big screens. Unfortunately, some clever-head had forgotten that to truly appreciate a fireworks display, it's nice, nay essential, to be able to see the fireworks in the sky.

And half of the audience had a roof above their heads.

Well done. No really, genius.

(We figured this out early enough & went to stand elsewhere - but duh!)

Read More

Centrefold

It's wrong enough that until last week, Argos's website apparently had a home-poledancing kit in their Children's Toys section.

But I saw this in passing at the weekend:















Sending out the wrong messages, surely...?

Read More

Moving vile Asians

OK maybe that's too harsh a title for a post about my parents.

But man, it was Nag City this weekend.

I haven't finished moving into my new flat, but they came to visit anyway 'cos they were in town for a conference. So I had my work cut out, from making the flat presentable, to ferrying them & their friends around and trying to keep them fed & entertained.

But I survived with my sanity intact, just...

Culminated this morning in Mum & Dad wanting eggs for breakfast - there were none at 2 local petrol stations but I eventually found a supermarket, followed by another one which was actally open.
I bring home my hard-earned quarry - my parents then tell me off for eating eggs, which are unhealthy! I just can't win!

I also tried to teach them how to say "Cotswolds". We went via "coleslaw", "cold sore", "Cat's World", Costwell" and "cots swill" but they eventually got it.

Then they changed their mind and decided to visit somewhere else instead.


Nnnnrrrrrrggggaaaaaaarrrgh!

Read More

Moving Violations

I'm still moving house. There are now two properties in my name which are an absolute tip - I'm aiming to get them both tidy by the weekend... not sure if that's gonna happen as my old flat is literally thickly carpetted with papers that I need to deal with - revision notes, lyrics, newspapers, sheet music - sadly I have to fight the urge to shove the lot in a bin/bonfire as I need to keep a significant proportion of them.

A few days ago I hired a Ford Transit. It's huge in comparison to anything else I've ever driven (you could easily fit a bed in the back of it^*) and really meaty to drive.

IT WAS SO COOL!!!

I even bought myself a big Yorkie and put a copy of The News Of The World on the dashboard. Unfortunately I couldn't find anyone to sit in the front with me pretending to be my pikey missus and kids.

I'm used to pootling around in my automatic Ford Focus (before you start, I buy automatics and after a couple of years I give them to my Mum & get myself another car).

It was sad having to give the beast van back. But at least I'm less paranoid about possibly crushing other vehicles now. I didn't have any accidents driving the van - but two cars hit mine today - both their fault but it's still suspicious...

Ho hum
Back to work
-S-

^* I'm not sure I'm allowed to tell you Sarah's feelings on transit vans but I think you can guess...

Read More

Amazing what they can do nowadays...

Read More

ICU Baby

I've been working pretty much non-stop on Intensive Care this week (eg 6pm to 10am yesterday) and lots has been going on.

Most importantly, going back to my post about organ donation, I got a wonderful letter today from the transplant team telling me who has benefitted from receiving my patient's donated organs. It was all anonymous, but along the lines of "Her liver went to a 35 year-old father of two who had such-and-such disease". It's heartening to know that at least some good can come from a tragic death.

Other things:
- Yesterday I got to ride in an ambulance transferring a patient to another hospital (they even put the siren on! Woo!)

- I learnt that one of my colleagues is pregnant (Phew - I was worried that she was putting on weight really quickly; not good if you're job is the nutrition specialist)

- I had to miss the staff Hallowe'en party last night cos I was at work, so to make up for it I went round the Intensive Care Unit putting hats & costumes on all the people in a coma *

- One patient got so confused after his operation that he was convinced he was on a film set being experimented on and refused to let anyone near him to look after him... so they called muggins here to help out. How do you negotiate with someone like that? I suggested blowdarts but they wouldn't let me...spoilsports...

- There was a very uncomfortable moment when one of the nurses told me she was "yawning" and I thought she'd said "horny"...


Anyway I'm in the middle of moving house, surrounded by boxes & I can hear ringing from somewhere...

Laters
- S -


* Of course I didn't bloody do that, but I nearly choked when someone else suggested it! I mean, the patients wouldn't know, right...?

Read More

Carma

I'm a big fan of Dara O'Briain. Or at least I used to be.

I'd seen him do stand-up on telly many years ago (before he got famous) and I'd always wanted to go & see him live. A few years ago when I was at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I knew he was doing a show & I was really looking forward to seeing him. When I got there, I was gutted to find all the tickets had sold out for every night. So imagine my joy when he added an extra day to his run of shows! At that time he was my comedic hero. And I had a ticket.

So earlier in the afternoon I went to see some rather peculiar stand-up on the other side of Edinburgh; I had to leg it halfway across town to get in to Dara's show and I got there just before they closed the doors.

The only seats left were at the front.

I know, I know - I wasn't thinking.

Being a singer (classically trained dontcha know) I seem to have developed a rather loud, clear laugh and O'Briain, being pant-wettingly hilarious live, noticed me laughing my head off right in front of him. So he picked on me. Again & again.

Well, OK, he only asked me a few questions at first. But in a gross lapse of judgement, I said something in an attempt to be funny which backfired massively.
And...er.. I may have dug rather a massive hole for myself. Giving him unlimited ammunition to take the piss repeatedly throughout the show. Which lasted over an hour and a half.

It was excruciating. Even whenever he picked on someone else, they would just remind him about me & he'd come back to have another go.

I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
(And that includes the time I performed an entirely fictional song about a horrendous relationship (no, it's not on the CD) - and Adam dedicated it - in detail - to the girl I'd recently split up with. In front of dozens of her friends.)

After my verbal slaughter by O'Briain, I went straight home & changed my clothes in case anyone who had been in his audience bumped into me that evening & recognised me.
That's how humiliated I was.

Anyway, I had to let it go - I mean, I still thought he was brilliant.
Just not my favourite comedian any more.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of weeks ago I drove to Wimbledon. Stuck in traffic near the town centre, I noticed in my rear-view mirror that there was a bald bloke being driven in the car behind who looked a bit like an unshaven Dara O'Briain in a light blue shirt. I didn't think anything of it again and drove around trying to find somewhere to park.

Very pedestrianised area is Wimbledon. I ended up going twice round the one-way system looking for somewhere to leave my car that wouldn't cost me a tenner.

At one point I was at pedestrian lights; everyone had crossed, no-one was waiting, lights had turned green, so off I went.

Suddenly out of nowhere, this big bloke leapt out into the road in front of my car, and then froze in terror as he saw me heading towards him.

I SLAMMED on the brakes. The car stopped an inch away from the man.

Bald. Unshaven. Wearing a blue shirt.


Ladies & gentlemen... standing right in front of me was Dara O'Briain.

Looking like he'd just shat his pants.



We're even now....

Read More

Amateur Professional Transplants

I didn't go home after one of my night shifts last week. Instead I stayed at work so I could observe an operation I haven't seen before - because it happens so rarely.

Organ donation.

There are hundreds of people waiting for a suitable organ donor to come up so that they can have a transplant. And not just older people whose organs have failed with age & illness; children who have been born with organ dysfunction or who have developed cancers or diseases. Hundreds all over the country.


If you were to come into hospital critically ill (eg after a serious car accident), the doctors would do everything they could to help you recover. If despite treatment, no recovery was made, and the point was reached where your relatives and the medical teams agreed that nothing more could be done, only then would the possibility of organ donation be discussed. (The doctors will NOT give up on you early).

But most people haven't thought much about what they would want in the event of their sudden death. So more often that not, in appropriate cases family members are asked to reckon what the patient would have wanted, at a time when they are also trying to come to terms with their loved-one's death.


It's an interesting point - think about it yourself. If the worst happens, would you want to donate organs and help other people live, so that some good could come of it?

I would.

If you feel the same, have a serious conversation about it with a parent or friend, and make sure they know your wishes. Or you could go further and join the NHS Organ Donor Register.
The common questions are answered here.



Having seen what happens, and how many people could benefit, I've decided I'm going to donate my organs.

But hopefully not too soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BTW don't think about what would happen if you were to put somebody else's name on your Donor Card. If you died of a brain haemorrhage, your mate Steve would NOT have his kidneys removed - it doesn't work like that.

Read More

Back door (RELOADED)

I love clever advertisements.



The ad above reminded me to show you this sign spotted outside an NHS clinic.




I think it's part of the new NHS campaign to prevent unwanted pregnancy...


EDIT: And here's Madonna's version

Read More

Put-down

After months of trying to cope, I finally had to relent and take my beloved to see the vet.

The poor thing smells funny (although that could be because she stopped eating meat a while ago), she's moody a lot of the time and she keeps moulting, leaving blonde hairs all over everything wherever she goes.

I asked the vet to do the kind thing and give her an injection to make her "sleep". He refused.


Apparently girlfriends don't count as pets.

Read More

Pot calling

I think I might be in a bit of trouble...

I'm renting a flat from a mate and he left it fully furnished, including a kettle. I don't drink tea or coffee - I mean, what is the point?
Anyway, last night I fancied some pasta, so I picked up the kettle to fill it. And the base was hot. Very very hot.

Funny, I thought, I haven't used it since I last had pasta... Actually, I haven't made pasta since I moved in... have I? I switched the kettle on once, a few weeks ago, to boil some water for pasta but then changed my mind and had something else for dinner... but surely it would have switched itself off? I tried the on/off switch.

It was stuck in the "on" position. And had been for over a month.

Fuck.
The water had boiled off long ago. The heating filament inside looked... unhappy (and that was after I'd chipped away the thick layer of black stuff covering it). Anyway I did what any decent tenant would do *


But Lord knows what my electricity bill's going to look like... actually:

Let's say the kettle's been on for 6 weeks (ahem) continuously;

A normal 2 kiloWatt kettle uses lots of energy, but only for a few minutes at a time. UNLESS IT'S FUCKING BROKEN.

24hrs x 42 days = 1008hrs

One "Unit" of electricity is 1 kW.hour and costs about 8p

2kW x 1008 hrs = 2016 units of electricity @ 8p/unit

= £161.28

Fuck.
What an absolute fucking waste of money. I could've eaten out every day for that amount.

On the bright side, I s'pose it's a good job the house didn't catch fire - I've grown kind of fond of it.

And I reckon I'll find out how often my landlord reads my blog.


^*I boiled the water in a pan & hid the kettle in a cupboard. What? It's not my fault...

Read More

When in...

It was my Dad's birthday at the weekend.

He & Mum decided to stay in, get a Chinese take-away and watch Columbo on TV. Which is fine.
If that's what they want to do, that's OK.

EXCEPT THEY WERE ON HOLIDAY IN ROME FOR THE WEEKEND!


They didn't even eat in an Italian restaurant once while they were there!

Unbelievable...

Read More

Spiders

Let's just say I'm not a fan.


A few times I've come home and walked into a spiderweb right across the path to my front door. Now, a more paranoid person would think that they were trying to catch ME. But they'd never actually do that. Would they...?

It's a bit ambitious...

I don't run away screaming if there's a tiny arachnid at the other end of the room (unlike a certain bloke I know). No, I am a man. I can quite happily pick one up and stride across the room with it in my hand and throw it out of the window/door. I prefer not to squish them - too messy, especially against a wall.




Having said that... they still give me the creeps, the big ones. I think it's just the way they move. Too many legs. Scuttling. (shudder) Ugh.

And while I'm at it, cucumbers can fuck off too.
(For pretty much the same reasons)

Read More

EEbEEb

I agreed to teach Sarah the piano.

The trouble is she's bloody awful.

Not so much at playing, more at being taught.
She's persistent, which is a good thing. You can't learn if you give up practicing after a few minutes. But she refuses to follow my suggestions - eg practicing one hand alone, or just a few bars at a time until she's got the hang of it. No, she insists on trying to play the piece all the way through.

Again and again.

And again and again and again and again and again...

Just the one piece. Over and over.

It's Für Elise by Beethoven. I reckon if someone could rig up a kind of coil system at his cemetery, we could use the amount Beethoven must be turning in his grave to generate electricity for most of western Europe.

The same notes. Over and over

The security alarm went off at work last night. People don't like it at the best of times. It's worse for me - it's the same notes.

DA da DA da DA...

AAAargh!!

Read More

GAGA

Today, I listened to the radio on the hour-long drive home from work.

Flicking through the various stations I discovered that Severn Radio & Wyvern FM are identical, as in ACTUALLY THE SAME apart from a 5-second time delay and different adverts. Does this happen a lot? Is there just one independent station broadcasting throughout the country with different adverts for local companies? Is there a national shortage of DJs? Hope so...

Anyway, I carried on channel-surfing.

I found BBC Cmyru. Now, I don't speak Welsh, so someone tell me - is it actually a real language? Honestly? Cos it sounded like they were making it up to me.
The songs sounded like they were being sung backwards. The chat in between made no sense at all, not least because the presenter kept saying "Peanut Butter" amongst all the other words.

I assume there isn't a Welsh word for peanut butter.

(And if you're looking for one, I propose the word "Spaff".)

Read More

Neolo gism

At the weekend, I learnt a new word I'd never heard before: Spaff

No idea what it means, but it's a great sound. Spaff. I've started using it all the time. Spaff spaff spaff. You should too...


edit: um... don't bother looking it up ...er...

Read More

Mmmm

I don't like turning down invitations. Therefore I tend to overbook myself.
For example last weekend, starting & ending in Cheltenham I went out to visit friends & family in Birmingham, Chelsea, Finsbury Park, Covent Garden, Wimbledon, Gerrards Cross and (just like a real life game from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue) Mornington Crescent.

I'm fucking knackered.

The best part was when Sarah & I trudged back to the car from the supermarket, we sat in the heat & drank a whole packet of chilled, Waitrose finest, tomato & basil soup, from the container.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Like a big Tomato Slush Puppie.

Read More

Shocking

Last week I went on an intensive Advanced Life Support course.

We were given scenarios and asked to demonstrate how to manage the situation, eg how would you resuscitate a pregnant drowning woman who had accidentally inhaled a peanut and was now also having an anaphylactic reaction. Great fun.

(The most important thing I learnt though is that people give you a lot more respect when you're holding a fully charged 5000 Volt defibrillator.)

Read More

Japanese Queen

Bohemian Rhapsody

Killer Queen



Proper blog post soon (including Myspace and how not to play the piano)

Read More

Say what you see

Just doing some last-minute pharmacology revision, pre-exam.

My favourite search site has a new Voice Recognition feature, so I clicked on it and said "Haloperidol" into my microphone.

This is what came up.

(I think the software still needs some work)

Read More

HRBN

Just got back from the local shops
(sorry I should've asked, did you need anything?).

Too lazy to make lunch; bought a jacket potato from the 'Tater Gallery' stall. Spudmonger asks "D'ya want butter?"

"Just a little" I reply. So he opens up one packet of butter and puts it in, opens up another one and puts that in, then he asks me "D'ya want a bit more?"

"No. How about a bit less?"


I bet he's one of those people who, when his doctor asks if he smokes, replies
"No." 3-second pause. "Not really."
When what he meant to say really was:

"Fuck yes, continuously, sometimes two or three at a time. And I get through half a dozen when I'm sleeping too."


As I left, I overheard the next guy ask for "loads of butter."

He's probably in A&E by now...

Read More

Pain in the neck

I was working on Saturday night, so I got a few hours sleep on Sunday morning before I drove to London for a family friend's wedding. Must've slept badly because by the time I got there I had a really sore neck. I asked my Mum if she had any painkillers in her handbag but she didn't.

But the bride was a doctor. As were her parents. As were almost half of the guests (must be a genetic thing). So I asked around - particularly GPs and people using walking sticks - if anyone had anything to take away the pain. I must've seemed like such a junkie... or disgruntled ex-boyfriend.

In a room of about 300 people, NOT ONE person I asked had any painkillers on them.

What are the odds? ^*

I already keep a face-mask in my car boot (imagine having to give mouth-to-mouth to someone on the street and they smell dodgy!).
To that I shall add painkillers, just in case.

Better stay on the safe side, I'll keep a scalpel too.


( ^*figure of speech, not an actual maths question)

Read More

Appropriate

A few days ago, I was on the Tube listening to my mp3 player.

(As in - I was making a journey by Tube and had my mp3 player with me - it's not like I wanted to listen to music and thought the best place to do it was on the Underground. That'd be dumb.)

I'd stuck on a load of tracks from my PC at random - rock, pop, metal, classical, etc - and it was on shuffle. As you might expecct, I skipped a lot of the tracks.

Anyway, as the train went straight through Regent's Park Station which was closed for repairs, the mp3 player started playing "This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore". Freaky.

Reminded me of the first time I anaesthetised someone:

The radio was playing "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight".

Read More

Popular

Last Thursday The Daily Telegraph published an article about Amateur Transplants and Sheila's Wheels.

A few weeks earlier, we were written about in Dazed & Confused magazine.

I've been interviewed by Eastern Eye newspaper ("The voice of British Asians" apparently).

The boss of the big company that my friend works for has "London Underground" as his ringtone.

We've been played on Kerrang FM, Kiss FM, BBC Radio five live & Radio Jackie, as well as regularly being the last song of the night at Walkabouts across the country.



Which makes me wonder - who exactly is our target audience?

Read More

Articulated

More videos.

I wonder how common this condition really is...?
Video clip from House
(I've updated the link but there's a NSFW banner on the page)

And Mr Laurie, almost 20 years earlier...


He hasn't changed a bit... um...

Read More

The World

The Beatles wish that they had written "Twist & Shout" themselves.

I wish I'd written this one...

Read More

Holly (2)

I have never laughed so much.

Not from yesterday's lame pussy joke (snigger) - but because I finally got some more batteries for the laser pointer.

Holly's less than a year old, still a kitten, so she isn't allowed out 'cos she WILL get run over. On the few occasions that she's legged it out of the front door, she tends to run under cars. Thankfully they've been stationary so far but it makes me sick to think of what could happen if she tries to outwit a moving vehicle. To put it into perspective, she gets beaten up by Claire's hamster (again not a euphemism). Holly chases insects which aren't there. And she runs into the patio door. Often.

Anyway, laser pointer. Holly LOVES chasing the red dot. And I'm not exaggerating - she is so determined to catch it. She puts so much energy into it and doesn't give up. It's impressive how long she can chase it for. I can get her whizzing up & down the lounge for ages. Usually I have to stop first because I'm crying with laughter.

I'm not really teasing her. When I stop waving the pointer around, she nags me (well, my ankles) until the dot reappears so I know Holly enjoys dot-chasing. It's the only proper exercise she gets - she's allowed into the back garden (because she hasn't worked out how to climb the fence yet) but that's tiny.

Admittedly maybe I shouldn't be getting her to spin round in circles til she falls over...

Read More

Holly

Sarah wants me tell you about her housemate's cat, Holly.

But without using the phrase "stroking Claire's pussy".

Not fair.

(sulk)

Read More

Night watch

I was on-call for the Maternity Unit last night.

The midwives tend to watch movies in the coffee room to stay awake when there's nothing going on.

At 5am, after I did an epidural, I popped in and saw which DVDs they'd been watching: The Omen, Constantine & Rosemary's Baby.

Obviously I'm not saying midwives are devil-worshippers.

I'll leave you to decide...

Read More

Good buy

I've had a few incidents in shops this week...

1) Hospital shop.
One of those places run by volunteers ie. elderly widows, usually closer to death than most of the patients. I fancied a non-fizzy drink so I got a bottle of flavoured water from the fridge (to keep things anonymous let's call it "Vulvic") & took it to the counter:

- That'll be 94p please. It's disgusting.
= 'scuse me?
- It's terrible. It really is.
= What is?
- How can they charge so much for a bottle of water. I wish I didn't have to take so much money from you, young man. I'm really sorry but there's nothing I can do about it.

I was stunned - such poor sales technique.
I went back later & nicked one when she wasn't looking. I think it's what she would've wanted.



2) Card shop.
A mate of mine recently announced his engagement. I tried to find a realistic card, but they don't make any which mention pregnancy, biological clocks or disappointment; they only had ones which were pastel or silver, all teddy bears & hearts - what's that got to do with weddings?

In the end, I found one with an arguing couple on the front, so I took it to the counter. Two chavvy salesgirls were there nattering, one was chewing her hair, the other looked like she was counting her nails.

- That's one ninety-nine please. My arse is really sore.

I stared blankly at her as she got my change. Her mate answered before I could give any advice. Just as well I s'pose.



3) Clothes.
I've discovered a great new game if the shop assistant working the till looks a bit, well, simple. Find something not for sale & take it to the counter. And wait.

First they look EVERYWHERE for a price tag. Only then do they get properly confused. Usually they then open their mouth to try and say something, but nothing comes out. After that they go and check with the manager. Finally they come back and say:

- I'm sorry, but my manager says it's not for sale. Do you want a store card?

I find this works best with mirrors, chairs and display dummies.



Shame - I really want a t-shirt with "SALE" written on it.

Read More

It's August

Lots of newly-qualified doctors start work this month.



You might want to stay as healthy as possible for the forseeable future...

Read More

Micro

Yesterday at work, I had a microwaveable curry (the hospital canteen is closed at night - you have to either bring something in from home or eat pies from a vending machine that just so happens to be situated next to the mortuary...)

Anyway, the curry came with a "mini chicken satay".















Cor, they weren't exaggerating, were they... ?

Read More

Sunday Papers

Today's headline on the front page of the News Of The World is that Ian Huntley confesses to strangling one of the schoolgirls.

Whereas today's Mail On Sunday has a free CD by...







Oops.

Read More

Bummer

Here's a bit of advice for all the brand-new doctors who started work this week -

when you write in your patient's medical records, don't abbreviate the word "analgesia".

Messy...

Read More

Absence

OK, OK, so I haven't updated the blog for ages. I can explain.

Lots of little things have happened which maybe I could have posted... but you deserve better, so I held off until there was something worth waiting for.

The more I waited, the more interesting and entertaining my next post HAD to be.

And now it's spiralled out of control.


I suppose I could've followed on from the seagull thing I mentioned before (several of my colleagues have been attacked now; interestingly I've discovered that seagulls hover above their victims & produce a seven-"Caw" pattern to alert the rest of the group to a potential target. I don't generally hang around long enough to find out what happens next... having said that, one of the A&E nurses has gone missing...)

It's tempting to regale you with some of the hil-ar-ious things that my girlfriend says & does - such as one night while we were sleeping - I rolled over to give her a cuddle, she woke up violently screaming "Who the fuck are you!". This was followed by a rather embarrassed silence as we stared at each other... (thankfully she got it right - albeit on the third guess)

Perhaps an update on Adam's live shows: the London ones went very well. Tried out lots of our new songs and the audience loved them. Edinburgh tickets are selling fast (so if you want to go, you had better get a wiggle on, hadn't you?)

Maybe I could have shared with you some of my newly-learnt medical facts (eg we humans tend to breathe through only one nostril at a time, alternating which one every hour or so. Apparently.)

Or maybe I could have tugged at your very soul with my experiences in this fine doctoring profession; of dealing with both bringing new life into this world, but also trying to make life more comfortable for those who are reaching the end.


But no. I didn't post anything at all.
I'm a such a tease.


To compensate:














here's a picture I took on my phone. Just for you.


We're even now.

Next post in a day or two...
-Suman-

Read More

Birds

It's a bit hot out (Understatement of the century)

So I'm naked as I write this.

I love this weather; flocks of attractive women appear from nowhere - I think they must be solar-powered or something. And they are everywhere you look. I wonder how many more car accidents occur in this weather, caused by distraction alone.

On a separate note; I've been attacked by seagulls twice this week.

They just suddenly appear, cawing and swooping and diving at me, two or three of them at a time. Has there been an open-air screening of Hitchcock's "The Birds" recently?

I've checked and there is definitely nothing enticing in my hair. Nor do I smell of fish (I've been working in the Women's Ward and they are particularly sensitive about that kind of thing - doctors' lunch is carefully monitored - tuna breath sends out the wrong signal apparently...)

Bizarre

Anyway - back to work...

Read More

Boob

So I may have offended one of the midwives...

Her patient was still wearing her undies underneath her hospital gown when she arrived in the operating theatre for her Caesarean Section. The midwife was trying to help her undress and was taking forever.

I offered to leave them to it, but the patient said it was OK to stay so I turned away and carried on chatting to them.

All I said was "I can get a bra off someone faster than that..."
Patient laughed, midwife growled...

I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow...
Hell hath no fury like a madwitch midwife scorned...

Read More

BREAKING NEWS

Sophie Ellis-Bextor found headbutted to death in French footballer's apartment

Apparently it was Murder on Zidane's floor...

Read More

Articulate

Some friends & I played Articulate last week. It's a fantastic game - you have to describe as many words as possible for your teammates to guess in 30 seconds, different categories, travel round a board, etc.

The thing about it is that you don't have to be clever - but you do need to be able to predict how your teammates will think.

example 1: The place to describe was 'Caspian Sea' which I got from the description, "Friendly ghost..."

Actually, it's more fun if your teammates are very stupid. You can learn a lot about your friends that way.

example 2: The answer on the card was 'Mozart'
She said "Who wrote the Fifth Symphony...?"

Rather worryingly, her team mate's answer WAS "Mozart" and they won the point...

Read More

Flags

All the flags from all the cars in all of Eng-er-land have mysteriously vanished over the weekend... Obviously no-one's proud to be English anymore.

Well, I want to make a giant red sudoku board to play with in the garden.

So post me your unwanted St George flags so I can stitch them together.
(Failing that, email them to me)

Cheers
-S-

Read More

Shirts

Speaking of mistaken identity...

Last Thursday, I wore a blue short-sleeved shirt and black trousers into work. Normally, I get changed into my pyjamas theatre scrubs before I visit my patients, so it doesn't matter what I wear (within reason - they won't let me wear a black cloak again... actually, it was the scythe that the Board deemed "inappropriate"...)

It was only when I got in and faced five uniformed hospital porters walking towards me in the corridor that I realised that I was wearing the same as them.
Comedy ensued.

"You the new guy? Come with us. Outbreak" said one of them to me gruffly. His skin was more tattooed than not and I'm convinced he could've crushed my skull with one hand if I'd argued. So I thought I might as well give them a hand and explain afterwards.

Overnight, half the patients on one ward had contracted some nasty virus that expelled anything they'd recently eaten rapidly out of the nearest available orifice; our job was to move the unaffected patients to another ward.

I wheeled my patient (a confused Polish lady who kept asking if I was her son)in her bed to the opposite end of the hospital. Then, as I was leaving the ward, a nurse asked me to take an urgent stool sample to the lab. Then at the lab they asked me to take 8 units of blood to the emergency theatre - apparently the op was going disastrously wrong.

Turns out the intimidating theatre sister thought the new porter standing lost in the corridor was a surgeon - he thought he might as well give them a hand and explain afterwards.



The court hearing's in a few weeks.

(What should I wear?)

Read More

Fake Myspace - UPDATE

The imposters have been dealt with - oh yes, they have been terminated...

(Just goes to show you should never mess with doctors - we have access to sharp things and very powerful drugs...)

Might as well set up our own official site then:
www.myspace.com/theamateurtransplants

Add us to your "friends". If you don't have a Myspace account, then go and sign up. I want us to have more friends than the imposters did.

By the end of this week.

Read More

myfakes

Following on from the Imposter blog entry over on the main Amateur Transplants website...


There's something scary about hearing your own voice coming out of the mouth of some random kid

Or knowing that people spent time and effort making mental animations when they could be... I dunno... interacting with real people...

(And as for this? What the.... ?)


But that's fine. After all, Tim from Bloggerheads made this excellent animation for backingblair.com as soon as the song came out - then they had to remove it 'cos their site kept getting overloaded with traffic. And complaints.


On the other hand, I'm not sure what to do about the person/s pretending to actually be Adam & me on Myspace - but I have a cunning* plan...


*(NB: that's "cunning" as in "insanely ridiculous")

Read More

Flowers

I was driving back from work today and I thought it would be nice to buy some flowers for my girlfriend.


Now, before you start, let me just point some things out:

- I wasn't feeling guilty about anything

- I didn't need to apologise for something

- I wasn't going to beg her for a threesome again

- I wasn't trying to butter her up (see above)


I just thought it would be nice and would make her happy.


So I pulled up at an florist - one of those big ones which also sells petrol, charcoal briquettes and porn - and had a look round. I spotted a beautiful bunch of 8 pink roses. Pink roses symbolise appreciation and gratitude. I thought that these would be a nice way of showing I care.

(Plus all the others were wilting and these ones were only four quid.)

Done.

I lay them carefully across the passenger seat next to me so I could make sure they would be protected for the drive home. The journey takes an hour, which coincidentally was just enough time to pick off almost 50% of the price sticker on the plastic wrapping (don't get me started on stickers that don't come off without a fight...). I got the top layer off, with all the writing & the price printed on it - but was left with an ugly, almost square, sticky white patch on the plastic.
It'll have to do.

When I got to Sarah's road, I pulled over for a minute to practice something Hugh Grant-y to say, then parked outside hers.


She opened the door and I humbly presented the roses to her.

Her face lit up & she gave me a you're-a-fantastic-boyfriend hug.

"Aw, you even got me the easy-to-look-after ones - thank you"
Hey - extra points for me without even trying. I AM the best.

I was just about to ask what she meant when I registered that there was a bead of water on the petals on the middle rose which had been in exactly the same position when I first picked up the flowers. The flowers which, come to think of it, looked perfect, almost unreal...

I managed to buy plastic flowers without noticing.

Bollocks.


Oh well. At least these ones should last longer.
I still reckon she could kill them though...

Read More

Dead mouse

So I was quite surprised to see a dead mouse in my loo.

It was white & quite fluffy but ragged-looking and water-laden.
It had a long thin tail floating up to the surface of the water. I could see there was blood in there too.

I stared at it for a while. Meanwhile it did nothing. Obviously.

I couldn't decide what to do with it. I didn't want to fish it out and bury it. But I wasn't sure if it was entirely appropriate to flush it. Having said that I had to do something soon. I didn't really think it would be right to wee on it.

I tried to think of how it had got there. Sarah had been to the loo less than an hour ago, so it must've fallen in quite recently. God knows how, I've never seen any mice in this area, let alone had any in the house. And for one to try and drown itself... how bizarre.

I called Sarah in from the other room to see if she had any thoughts.

She swore, flushed the loo and kicked me out of the bathroom saying she needed to change her tampon again.


Women and their periods, eh?

Read More

Bastoncini di Pesce

I'm back from Sardinia - browner, rounder and sporting a prize-winning mohawk. Did you miss me? Aw, bless...

Had a totally funtabulous time there - lots of watersports (no, actual watersports), volleyball, waterpolo, etc. but all my genuine attempts to be healthy were savagely scuppered by the evil that was.... The Buffet.


You know how when you suck your stomach in you can look a bit thinner? I am no longer physically able to do that, there just isn't room.


As I've said before, I consider All-You-Can-Eat more like a challenge than an offer. When I want to, I can eat a phenomenal amount. There was a vast array of different foods available, pizza, pasta, lots of different meat & vegatable dishes, breads & salamis, enormous salad bar... all heading inevitably Sumanwards like space mice in a Black Hole. Or something...


All very, very tasty - yum yum yum yum yum. I'm ashamed to say though, the thing I enjoyed the most though was the Bastoncini di Pesce.

Ho hum...

Read More

myspace? myarse

International hackers have broken through myspace's intricate security systems and poked around the myspace site.

As a result, that site is temporarily offline. Meanwhile, you can direct your friends to sign up to www.myspace.com/theamateurtransplants for now.

More updates on it soon. I have to fly to Russia and sort out these cyberterrorists now... typical...

Read More

Exams suck

If you're going through exams at the moment, you'll be fully aware that exams are evil beasts.
Having recently been unsuccessful, I did the obvious thing.

I shaved my head.


There may be blog-silence for a week as I'll be on a beach (with a burnt scalp, no doubt) but will have stories of larks aplenty on my return.

Good luck
(and unlike me, hopefully your examiner won't be the person who wrote the textbook)

Read More

Someone hasn't thought this through...

Saw this on my way into town the other day.

(And then I crashed into a tree *)

Surely somebody must have realised how this sign for Mole Street actually reads? I'm tempted to write to the council...

And now I need your help - if you're not doing anything today, could you pop by some of these places and send me a photo of the street sign?

Basta Rd (Lebanon)

Lala La (Connecticut)

Reta Rd (N Carolina)

Mole Station (New South Wales)

Ebo La (Illinois)


Ta muchly
- Suman -


* No trees were harmed in the making of this blog - I was on foot.

Read More

Short one

I met a MicroBiologist today.

She was 6 foot 2

Is that meant to be ironic?

Read More

Failed

Not my fault, they asked me all the wrong questions.

Read More

Public hair

I like having a beard

Granted, it's only been for a week or so, it's more of an unshavenness. But it feels nice when I stroke it and that's ALL that matters.

It's not quite the sort of beard that small children can grab onto and hang from yet. (My mate has one of those beards - he's a Moslem - and it took all the strength I could find to not pull on it whenever I saw him. That's why we stopped being friends. Honest. It wasn't anything stupid I might've said...)

The reason for my furry facial growth is that I don't like shaving. It's not that I can't do it - I don't get cuts or anything. Unlike some people, I'm not dangerous with sharp metal (go on, count the fingers - I think you'll find all twelve are there).
It's just that when I shave daily - even really carefully with one of those fancy sonic, 5-blade, laser-powered wizard razors - within two hours it looks like I haven't shaved.

For days.

Although I don't want you thinking I'm some kind of testosterone-overloaded werewolf. The rest of my body is normal (not that I've tried shaving anywhere else - what would be the point, I don't need to be quite that aerodynamic in my day-to-day life). But stubble tends to reappear on my chinny-chin-chin quite quickly. And it looks a bit rubbish.

I need to look good tomorrow - I have an entire day of intense exams, face-to-face with elite, experienced examiners who could make or break my career aspiratoins if they don't like my tie, let alone my answers. So I want to do anything I can to make a good impression. I toyed with the idea of growing a goatee, thinking it might ooze confidence. But last time I tried one, I looked more like I was oozing ooze, a bit to sleazy for an exam at the Royal College.

So I'm going to shave tomorrow morning before the first exam.
And again at lunchtime before the afternoon session.


I'm sure the examiners will be really impressed when I walk in holding a blade...

Read More

Your Revision

I didn't watch the Song Contest last night.

But I did see a bit of Finland's entry... (which was handy, seeing as they won - saved myself having to sit through the rest. Bingo). I assume the rest of the entries were the usual awful dance numbers (bad rappers / girls in short skirts which get pulled off half-way through) and dreary ballads (by boring women in long robes or men with open collar shirts) - which is probably why the ever-so-slightly different heavy-metal-monsters-with-explosions act was the one that won.

I missed it because I'm doing night shifts in Expensive Scare.... I mean Intensive Care. Scurrying between one dying person being kept alive by a machine to another, trying to keep them all going simultaneously... a bit like those old style variety acts where some bloke keeps plates spinning on top of tall poles. If that kind of thing is before your time, then you've probably never seen a ventriloquist either. Shame on you.

I've got some more exams next week and I wanted to do some revision in the evening before my shift started, so I tried to sleep during the day.

Here's a tip: if ever you want someone you haven't spoken to in ages to get in touch, all you need to do is try and sleep during the day with your phone on.

Not one... but THREE people decided that yesterday was the day to ring me out of the blue "just to say hi".

Needless to say, without a decent day's kip, I was a bit grumpy later on at work. I think I may even have been hearing voices. I swear I heard most of my unconscious, comatose patients talking to me.

All of them in fact. Except the chap in bed 9.

Come to think of it, he used to be a ventriloquist...

Read More

New diagnosis

a) "You've not got Hodgkins Lymphoma"

b) "You've got Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma"

Said a), meant to say b)...

Not the same thing apparently
Who knew, eh...?

Read More

Sore thumb

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT OF AN OVEN GLOVE WHICH ISN'T HEAT-PROOF?!?!

Lunch is all over the floor.
I bet it won't taste so good now...

edit: Not too bad actually (even with the occasional CocoPop)

Read More

The most famous person I know

It's just occurred to me that I'm famous.

It's not a huge surprise - every now & then people come up to me to say: I love your songs, You're amazing, Please sign my breasts, I want to have your babies, etc... But everything was so gradual that it never really sank in that literally MILLIONS of people have heard of me. Own a piece of me even (albeit in digital form).

Last week, Sarah & I had lunch with "Imperial Hutchinson" who was team captain of Imperial Medics' University Challenge team this year. He made us get a table near the window in the hope that we'd be paparazzied and make it into Heat Magazine or something:

"Quiz Geek & Underground star spotted dining with mystery blonde..."

I let him down gently by pointing out that I am just a voice to the majority of people - hardly any of the fans know what I look like. When the London Underground Song took off, I never made it into the Evening Standard (I had to be at work during the photocall... grrr...), so the best I could do was Eastern Eye (The Voice Of Britains Asians), a weekly newspaper for brown folk. It's hardly the same thing.


Just now I sent an email to a radio presenter (if he replies, I'll tell you the full story) - he's been a broadcaster with the BBC for thirty years, hosted and been on numerous TV shows, had lots of books published, etc. But I reckon more people our age (ie young enough to use the Interweb) will have heard of me than of him.

Odd that....

So I guess the most famous person I know is Adam... meh...
(Then again, I've probably got his signature around here somewhere - better save that for eBay)

Read More

Trichobezoar

I just got my hair cut.

I don't know how long people usually leave between haircuts - I get mine clippered down to a grade 2 or 3 and then go back when it's grown into a full Afro. And that's normally 4 to 6 weeks.
(My hair grows ridiculously quickly - it's one of my superpowers) .

But if my bathroom scales are to be believed, I've lost about 700 grams of hair this time round.

I didn't collect all the hair up off the floor and take it home - that would be weird (and they'd probably get suspicious if I asked ->)

But it just so happened that I stepped on my bathroom scales this morning (which I do every few weeks, just to see if the battery's dead) and I weighed myself again when I got home before lunch.

700g? That can't be right, can it?

Maybe I'm using too much hair gel...

Read More

Fine...

I went to see Adam's new Chelsea flat at the weekend - very nice.

I drove there - only to discover that parking outside his place is 4p/minute. Yes, it would've been cheaper to phone him. So I put £7.20 in small change into the machine - I'll leave you Americans to calculate it yourself... we Brits can't go around doing everything for you or you'll never learn - I displayed my ticket stub prominently on the dashboard and headed off into his.

A couple of hours of songwriting later, I went out to the car to find on the windscreen... a yellow & black sticker! The same colours as a wasp (for a reason...)

While I'd paid plenty of money (which was painful enough), I'd parked in a bay next to the Ticket Machine for the Pay & Display spaces... which had a sign halfway down the road saying Resident Permit Holders Only. Bastards

So the Parking Nazis kindly left me a fine for a hundred bloody quid.

Ironically, a Residents Parking Permit only costs £50.


Hmmm... what rhymes with "Traffic Warden" - I feel another angry song coming on...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the way, the new remastered version of the CD (with extra tracks, lyrics, etc) is available again from the main website.

(Don't ask why the price has gone up...)

Read More

Tip

Took some friends out to dinner yesterday.

(I didn't know that's what I was doing; but it turns out I'd missed one of their birthdays and the other one had been on TV a few times in the last few weeks - "um... I knew that, that's why dinner's my treat...")

It was a really nice restaurant and we hadn't seen each other (sober) for ages, so we placed our order & were chatting away... About 15 minutes later, the manager came over and apologised that their new waiter had taken our order but forgotten to tell anyone.

Huh?

What did he think he was supposed to do after he wrote down a list of food that we would like to eat that evening. Maybe he put the bits of paper in his locker to perhaps later create an art installation? Or maybe he was going to put it on his blog:
"Fernando's Supercool Blog
Today, I had 3 customers who wanted different meals! Good job I had my pad & paper or I would have NEveR remembered it all LOL!!!!!!!!111111"

Anyway, the manageress said we could have free dessert. Which was very nice of her, considering we hadn't noticed the food was taking a long time. And even if we had, we weren't going to kick up a fuss.

Our food arrived after only a few more minutes, and it was bloody gorgeous.
Then we rose to the challenge of three of their biggest desserts. Well, it's only polite...

(It's like when you go to a really good all-you-can-eat place when you're feeling hungry and have nothing else to do for the rest of the week. I usually make myself fall short of "All-I-Can-Eat" and settle with "All-I-Can-Eat-Without-Being-Sick-As-Soon-As-I-Stand-Up")


So I recommend that next time you eat out, go with the densest-looking waiter, wait for him to mess up and you might get a freebie.


A little tip for you there

(And no tip for Fernando)

Read More

Tattoo

I never meant to get a tattoo...

I have nothing against them myself, I've seen some really good ones, it's just that I'm not the type of person that can carry off a tattoo. As proven this weekend, I can't even wear a baseball cap without looking like a bit of a fraud...

But last week, I got a tattoo.
(well... in the literal sense)

It wasn't a good one by any means. I mean, who would want a tattoo on the inside of their finger? I certainly didn't. But...

I stuck my hand in my pocket (as I have every right to do - my hand, my pocket) - a split second later, amid ferocious swearing (I think I may even have invented a new swear word, but I don't remember, I was distracted by the need to swear), I pulled it out again. The lid of my fountain pen had come off and I'd jabbed myself quite deeply with the nib, leaving a strong, black line a couple of centimetres long.

It was quite deep under the skin and wouldn't wash off. And I did try BLOODY hard to wash it off. Seeing as I was in theatres the rest of the day, I was never more than a couple of metres away from a sink and numerous medical-grade cleaning products. Iodine, Chlorhexidine, bleach, you name it. By the end of the day my hand was red-raw & I looked like I had eczema.
And a tattoo.

So I left it. And unsurprisingly it didn't go. That being the inert nature of the humble tattoo. I didn't really mind it, but I did want to alter it to make it look like I'd done it on purpose. I sketched out a few designs of how to improve it - some medical symbols, some Amateur Transplant & music-related designs. Nothing religious though, oh no - that could ONLY cause trouble.

It's a big deal having a tattoo. It has to mean something.
In this job I see a lot of naked people. And before you think that's a good thing, remember that this is in hospital. And the majority of people who are in hospital are not well. And the majority of people who are not well are not healthy. And the majority of people who are not healthy MING like the Plague, sometimes they actually HAVE the Plague. Unwashed, overweight, sweaty bathdodgers... ugh...

I've seen tattoos of names of kids (sweet sentiment, but the people I've seen it on probably needed it as a kind of reminder - "Darren, Britney, Kelly and... er... there's another one... her names on my ankle?"), I've seen "Mum" (but oddly, never "Dad") as well as partners names... I used to ask my patients about their tattoos; getting them to talk about themselves helps them to relax (before I knock 'em out with the Anaesthetic hammer) - but sometimes the stories just wind them up even more - eg tattoos of EX-partners' names/faces. I've seen some hideous pictures. The funniest was on a huge muscly bloke who needed some operation or other. He was giving it all that, being the big man, a little intimidating... till we saw on his shoulder, in glorious technicolour, was a tattoo of Tweety Pie. "I was drunk" he said, and then he shut up.

Anyway, I'd thought I'd probably go with a stylized, black & white piano key pattern, going the whole circumference of my finger. But by this time, my finger had doubled in size & gone red, sore and pussy.

(Incidentally, I once saw in the hospital notes of a lady who had had some problems "down below" a letter from her doctor which started:
"This lady came to Gynae clinic with pussy discharge..." - I wonder which way he meant it...)

My theory is that when the £7.99 WHSmith stainless steel nib (what? I use a fountain pen at work cos it makes my scrappy handwriting look like I'm artistic & elegant... rather than an autistic elephant. It doesn't mean that I'd go out and spend a fortune on a fountain pen.
I ask you - What kind of fool? Who would buy a £700 fountain pen?
Answer: Adam Kay. A few years ago. And then he lost it.
Uses free biros now.)
- as I was saying, when the nib dug under my skin, it probably had some dirt on it - it sure as hell wasn't sterilised, nor was my finger.

So my finger got sore & swollen and needed fixing.

One of the most common emergency operations is "Incision & drainage of an abscess" wherever on the body. Usually after the patient's had several weeks of antibiotics.
Bollocks to that.
With a sterile needle (which had followed me home still in its packaging - see previous post), I scratched very gently into the skin above the tattoo (pausing only to put more & more Bonjella on it - it may be useless for a mouth ulcer - which incidentally is now completely gone, thanks for asking - but it seems to work on my skin. I'm obviously a freak. I mean superhuman), slowly scratching layer after layer until all the ink, dirt and nastiness was gone.

So no more tattoo.

Just a scar.

Read More

Amateur Transplants, Amateur Transplants, Amateur Transplants...

So I've noticed that I haven't mentioned Amateur Transplants since I started writing this blog. Oops. Sorry. I knew there was something...

A few months ago, I set up a myspace account for Amateur Transplants.

Sadly it was stillborn.


So like any grieving father, I replaced it with an identical one.
Here it is: http://www.myspace.com/68496766 (isn't it a beauty?)

(Shut up, OK? All newborns are ugly - only their parents convince themselves of their true beauty, and that's because otherwise it feels like everything they've gone through has been a total waste of time.)

There's links to the mp3s legally available on the 'Net (well, as legally as possible, don't get me started...) in the myspace blog.

There. That should keep you click-happy, freebie-hunters happy for a moment.

I'm waiting for suggestions of what to put on the site.

Or this one for that matter.


Well? C'mon...

Read More