Tattoo

I never meant to get a tattoo...

I have nothing against them myself, I've seen some really good ones, it's just that I'm not the type of person that can carry off a tattoo. As proven this weekend, I can't even wear a baseball cap without looking like a bit of a fraud...

But last week, I got a tattoo.
(well... in the literal sense)

It wasn't a good one by any means. I mean, who would want a tattoo on the inside of their finger? I certainly didn't. But...

I stuck my hand in my pocket (as I have every right to do - my hand, my pocket) - a split second later, amid ferocious swearing (I think I may even have invented a new swear word, but I don't remember, I was distracted by the need to swear), I pulled it out again. The lid of my fountain pen had come off and I'd jabbed myself quite deeply with the nib, leaving a strong, black line a couple of centimetres long.

It was quite deep under the skin and wouldn't wash off. And I did try BLOODY hard to wash it off. Seeing as I was in theatres the rest of the day, I was never more than a couple of metres away from a sink and numerous medical-grade cleaning products. Iodine, Chlorhexidine, bleach, you name it. By the end of the day my hand was red-raw & I looked like I had eczema.
And a tattoo.

So I left it. And unsurprisingly it didn't go. That being the inert nature of the humble tattoo. I didn't really mind it, but I did want to alter it to make it look like I'd done it on purpose. I sketched out a few designs of how to improve it - some medical symbols, some Amateur Transplant & music-related designs. Nothing religious though, oh no - that could ONLY cause trouble.

It's a big deal having a tattoo. It has to mean something.
In this job I see a lot of naked people. And before you think that's a good thing, remember that this is in hospital. And the majority of people who are in hospital are not well. And the majority of people who are not well are not healthy. And the majority of people who are not healthy MING like the Plague, sometimes they actually HAVE the Plague. Unwashed, overweight, sweaty bathdodgers... ugh...

I've seen tattoos of names of kids (sweet sentiment, but the people I've seen it on probably needed it as a kind of reminder - "Darren, Britney, Kelly and... er... there's another one... her names on my ankle?"), I've seen "Mum" (but oddly, never "Dad") as well as partners names... I used to ask my patients about their tattoos; getting them to talk about themselves helps them to relax (before I knock 'em out with the Anaesthetic hammer) - but sometimes the stories just wind them up even more - eg tattoos of EX-partners' names/faces. I've seen some hideous pictures. The funniest was on a huge muscly bloke who needed some operation or other. He was giving it all that, being the big man, a little intimidating... till we saw on his shoulder, in glorious technicolour, was a tattoo of Tweety Pie. "I was drunk" he said, and then he shut up.

Anyway, I'd thought I'd probably go with a stylized, black & white piano key pattern, going the whole circumference of my finger. But by this time, my finger had doubled in size & gone red, sore and pussy.

(Incidentally, I once saw in the hospital notes of a lady who had had some problems "down below" a letter from her doctor which started:
"This lady came to Gynae clinic with pussy discharge..." - I wonder which way he meant it...)

My theory is that when the £7.99 WHSmith stainless steel nib (what? I use a fountain pen at work cos it makes my scrappy handwriting look like I'm artistic & elegant... rather than an autistic elephant. It doesn't mean that I'd go out and spend a fortune on a fountain pen.
I ask you - What kind of fool? Who would buy a £700 fountain pen?
Answer: Adam Kay. A few years ago. And then he lost it.
Uses free biros now.)
- as I was saying, when the nib dug under my skin, it probably had some dirt on it - it sure as hell wasn't sterilised, nor was my finger.

So my finger got sore & swollen and needed fixing.

One of the most common emergency operations is "Incision & drainage of an abscess" wherever on the body. Usually after the patient's had several weeks of antibiotics.
Bollocks to that.
With a sterile needle (which had followed me home still in its packaging - see previous post), I scratched very gently into the skin above the tattoo (pausing only to put more & more Bonjella on it - it may be useless for a mouth ulcer - which incidentally is now completely gone, thanks for asking - but it seems to work on my skin. I'm obviously a freak. I mean superhuman), slowly scratching layer after layer until all the ink, dirt and nastiness was gone.

So no more tattoo.

Just a scar.