MOUF ULTHER

I can't fpeak properly, I can't eat or drink anyfing...

I've got a thtupid ulther on my tongue and it REALLY HURTTH!

(By the way, the word is 'TONGUE' not 'TOUNGE'... Just because you're clever enough to know that there's a 'U' in it SOMEWHERE, you don't get any marks unless you put it in the right place.
And while we're on the subject - it's 'Voilà'. Not 'Viola!'. You idoits.)

Anyway, this ulcer's been destroying me for days now - keeping me awake at night despite quarter-hourly applications of Bonjella, the sensation of broken glass when I try to swallow anything even water, etc.

So I saw an ENT Specialist today.

Well OK I didn't SEE HIM see him, I didn't have a clinic appointment or anything... but he was hiding in the coffee room between operations and I saw him.

So I asked him about it. That's possibly the best perk about this job, you get to be pally with people who know almost everything about certain aspects of health, and you can ask them anything. Example, today I spotted one of my colleagues lying on the floor of a supplies cupboard while an Orthopaedic surgeon examined her knee. Well that's what it looked like they were doing anyway... come to think of it, she was making some peculiar noises... I thought it was just pain...)

Nice ENT Consultant man told me it wasn't Captain Cancer, which was a relief (OK, I'm under 50, I don't smoke and I don't eat insane quantities of Japanese fish, so I'm not exactly high-risk; but just 'cos I'm a doctor doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be paranoid about my health once in a while, OK?)

In summary, he told me that nothing would make it go quickly, I just had to carry on what I'd been doing: keeping it clean, taking painkillers and waiting for it to go.

And that's the absolute best advice available for mouth ulcers.
That's all. Dammit - we can put prisoners on the moon, genetically engineer remote control vegetables (probably), but we just can't get rid of mouth ulcers quickly. This profession just brings up one disappointment after another.

Incidentally, one of the other perks of working in a hospital is the never-ending supply of things like fancy sticky-tape which sometimes follows us home (ie left in a pocket by accident. No, genuinely - by accident. What could anyone possibly want with this much tape, short of wallpapering their house with it?)

Hey - I wonder if I've got a scalpel lying around somewhere...
Sod waiting - HEAL WITH STEEL!

(Hmmm... I think I may have been hanging around surgeons too long)