MOUF ULTHER

I can't fpeak properly, I can't eat or drink anyfing...

I've got a thtupid ulther on my tongue and it REALLY HURTTH!

(By the way, the word is 'TONGUE' not 'TOUNGE'... Just because you're clever enough to know that there's a 'U' in it SOMEWHERE, you don't get any marks unless you put it in the right place.
And while we're on the subject - it's 'Voilà'. Not 'Viola!'. You idoits.)

Anyway, this ulcer's been destroying me for days now - keeping me awake at night despite quarter-hourly applications of Bonjella, the sensation of broken glass when I try to swallow anything even water, etc.

So I saw an ENT Specialist today.

Well OK I didn't SEE HIM see him, I didn't have a clinic appointment or anything... but he was hiding in the coffee room between operations and I saw him.

So I asked him about it. That's possibly the best perk about this job, you get to be pally with people who know almost everything about certain aspects of health, and you can ask them anything. Example, today I spotted one of my colleagues lying on the floor of a supplies cupboard while an Orthopaedic surgeon examined her knee. Well that's what it looked like they were doing anyway... come to think of it, she was making some peculiar noises... I thought it was just pain...)

Nice ENT Consultant man told me it wasn't Captain Cancer, which was a relief (OK, I'm under 50, I don't smoke and I don't eat insane quantities of Japanese fish, so I'm not exactly high-risk; but just 'cos I'm a doctor doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be paranoid about my health once in a while, OK?)

In summary, he told me that nothing would make it go quickly, I just had to carry on what I'd been doing: keeping it clean, taking painkillers and waiting for it to go.

And that's the absolute best advice available for mouth ulcers.
That's all. Dammit - we can put prisoners on the moon, genetically engineer remote control vegetables (probably), but we just can't get rid of mouth ulcers quickly. This profession just brings up one disappointment after another.

Incidentally, one of the other perks of working in a hospital is the never-ending supply of things like fancy sticky-tape which sometimes follows us home (ie left in a pocket by accident. No, genuinely - by accident. What could anyone possibly want with this much tape, short of wallpapering their house with it?)

Hey - I wonder if I've got a scalpel lying around somewhere...
Sod waiting - HEAL WITH STEEL!

(Hmmm... I think I may have been hanging around surgeons too long)

Read More

You can't make an omelette

Full stop. That's the entire phrase when used in my company.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible chef; I haven't killed anybody (yet).

But I do like to make dishes that announce their readiness for consumption with a loud DING.

I'm not an avid consumer of microwaveable meals apart from when I'm on-call and the canteen's shut.
I've argued this with many people but unless it's breakfast time right now, toast is not a full meal. I grant you, it may be a pleasant, crunchy, mid-afternoon snack. Or you could be so busy that you have to skip lunch entirely, in which case by all means have some toast instead to keep you going. But - toast for dinner? Alone, apart from a 2mm application of whatever. Pah! Hospital patients eat better and their food's rubbish. Often literally. (Canteen motto - waste not want not...)

But I prefer to irradiate my food, rather than be involved with naked flames and ovens and the suchlike. Call me old fashioned...


In any case, I've gone against this and I've just made the perfect omelette.

2 eggs, a slash of oil, salt & milk. And then a load of sweetcorn, fried mushrooms and grated strong cheddar.
Bloody gorgeous. Just the right thickness, cooked just the right amount (ie neither surface was brown/black or transparent yellow and runny). Perfect meal. I feel terrific.

And a bonus, it didn't aggravate my MUFH (mouth ulcer from hell) so much that I had to stop & cry.

I blame my parents. I never cooked much when I was younger.
When I was six I once made some lovely biscuits. I was trying to make cakes at the time, but that's neither here nor there...


Anyway, I'm off now. I need the loo.

Read More

hello

It's come to my attention that this blog is being read by actual people.

I'm not sure that was the plan; this puts pressure on me to start writing something of interest. Is it too late to back out? Can't we just be friends, etc...


Incidentally I have never given anyone the "Just Friends" speech.

Although - you'll be astonished to hear - I have been on the receiving end of it, more than once (What can I say? Loads of women really want me to be their friend)


I think there's a bit in the speech somewhere about not paying attention or something. To be honest, I don't know... I wasn't really listening...

I wonder, is "Hashmat" a real word?

Read More

Small prick

Had my MMR jab today.

Don't see what all the fuss is about...



...it didn't hurt that much.

Read More

Moving in

After a long, on-off relationship with the Internet, I've decided to make a commitment and move in.

I think this poster would look quite nice on the wall over here...


I'm still finding my feet with this blogging nonsense, but I thought that I might as well give it a go and post my thoughts every now & then.

Now... where can I leave my guitar?
Oh, here looks safe, just next to the fire...

Read More