Trans Plants

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Wednesday, 19 July 2006

Birds

Posted on 04:30 by Unknown
It's a bit hot out (Understatement of the century)

So I'm naked as I write this.

I love this weather; flocks of attractive women appear from nowhere - I think they must be solar-powered or something. And they are everywhere you look. I wonder how many more car accidents occur in this weather, caused by distraction alone.

On a separate note; I've been attacked by seagulls twice this week.

They just suddenly appear, cawing and swooping and diving at me, two or three of them at a time. Has there been an open-air screening of Hitchcock's "The Birds" recently?

I've checked and there is definitely nothing enticing in my hair. Nor do I smell of fish (I've been working in the Women's Ward and they are particularly sensitive about that kind of thing - doctors' lunch is carefully monitored - tuna breath sends out the wrong signal apparently...)

Bizarre

Anyway - back to work...
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Sunday, 16 July 2006

Boob

Posted on 15:27 by Unknown
So I may have offended one of the midwives...

Her patient was still wearing her undies underneath her hospital gown when she arrived in the operating theatre for her Caesarean Section. The midwife was trying to help her undress and was taking forever.

I offered to leave them to it, but the patient said it was OK to stay so I turned away and carried on chatting to them.

All I said was "I can get a bra off someone faster than that..."
Patient laughed, midwife growled...

I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow...
Hell hath no fury like a madwitch midwife scorned...
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Thursday, 13 July 2006

BREAKING NEWS

Posted on 10:16 by Unknown
Sophie Ellis-Bextor found headbutted to death in French footballer's apartment

Apparently it was Murder on Zidane's floor...
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Saturday, 8 July 2006

Articulate

Posted on 09:35 by Unknown
Some friends & I played Articulate last week. It's a fantastic game - you have to describe as many words as possible for your teammates to guess in 30 seconds, different categories, travel round a board, etc.

The thing about it is that you don't have to be clever - but you do need to be able to predict how your teammates will think.

example 1: The place to describe was 'Caspian Sea' which I got from the description, "Friendly ghost..."

Actually, it's more fun if your teammates are very stupid. You can learn a lot about your friends that way.

example 2: The answer on the card was 'Mozart'
She said "Who wrote the Fifth Symphony...?"

Rather worryingly, her team mate's answer WAS "Mozart" and they won the point...
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Monday, 3 July 2006

Flags

Posted on 17:53 by Unknown
All the flags from all the cars in all of Eng-er-land have mysteriously vanished over the weekend... Obviously no-one's proud to be English anymore.

Well, I want to make a giant red sudoku board to play with in the garden.

So post me your unwanted St George flags so I can stitch them together.
(Failing that, email them to me)

Cheers
-S-
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Monday, 26 June 2006

Shirts

Posted on 09:28 by Unknown
Speaking of mistaken identity...

Last Thursday, I wore a blue short-sleeved shirt and black trousers into work. Normally, I get changed into my pyjamas theatre scrubs before I visit my patients, so it doesn't matter what I wear (within reason - they won't let me wear a black cloak again... actually, it was the scythe that the Board deemed "inappropriate"...)

It was only when I got in and faced five uniformed hospital porters walking towards me in the corridor that I realised that I was wearing the same as them.
Comedy ensued.

"You the new guy? Come with us. Outbreak" said one of them to me gruffly. His skin was more tattooed than not and I'm convinced he could've crushed my skull with one hand if I'd argued. So I thought I might as well give them a hand and explain afterwards.

Overnight, half the patients on one ward had contracted some nasty virus that expelled anything they'd recently eaten rapidly out of the nearest available orifice; our job was to move the unaffected patients to another ward.

I wheeled my patient (a confused Polish lady who kept asking if I was her son)in her bed to the opposite end of the hospital. Then, as I was leaving the ward, a nurse asked me to take an urgent stool sample to the lab. Then at the lab they asked me to take 8 units of blood to the emergency theatre - apparently the op was going disastrously wrong.

Turns out the intimidating theatre sister thought the new porter standing lost in the corridor was a surgeon - he thought he might as well give them a hand and explain afterwards.



The court hearing's in a few weeks.

(What should I wear?)
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Saturday, 24 June 2006

Fake Myspace - UPDATE

Posted on 04:34 by Unknown
The imposters have been dealt with - oh yes, they have been terminated...

(Just goes to show you should never mess with doctors - we have access to sharp things and very powerful drugs...)

Might as well set up our own official site then:
www.myspace.com/theamateurtransplants

Add us to your "friends". If you don't have a Myspace account, then go and sign up. I want us to have more friends than the imposters did.

By the end of this week.
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