Bloody Telecom (BT)

Ok, so I was in a bit of a mood yesterday.
Sorry folks... the pills are kicking in now...

After someone's helpful comment, I discovered that Virgin were doing a far better offer, so I rang BT to cancel what I'd just arranged with them.

Given that I was leaving them, I was expecting to be a low priority call and to be kept on hold a lot. But good business sense or not, they were really taking the piss.

First I ended up in some kind of loop:
- Statement A: "You can organise your account online at www...."
- (music)
- Statement B
- (music)
- Statement A again
- ... etc

After 7 or 8 minutes of this I got fed up (as I assume they wanted me to) so hung up & tried again.

This time I purposefully rang the wrong departments; I figured then I'd speak to a real person sooner.

Real person #1 said he'd put me through to the "correct department" - it was a different pre-recorded loop. Bastard.

Real person #2 was a techie in an Indian call centre; he insisted on putting me on hold for 3-4 minutes at a time while he talked to his colleague to give him details of my account... and yet refused to hand me over to his colleague so that I could give him the details myself. Odd... almost like he was taking ages on purpose...

After 15 minutes of this, I talk to Real person #3, a bloke with an East-End gangster accent who told me I didn't want to leave BT now, did I? Sounded really quite intimidating.
Eventually he gave in trying to convince me and put me on hold for a further full ten minutes before finally picking back up and saying it was all sorted, the account was cancelled. Phew!

Three quarters of an hour it took me to leave BT.
I'm sure it didn't need to take them so long.

Bet it doesn't take anywhere near as long to get customers to join BT...
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In other news, Orange have changed the voice of their automated system. Gone is the stern, older lady who sounds like a strict school mistress; she's been replaced by a sexier-sounding younger woman.

I swear, that computer was flirting with me...

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Home Sick

Start with positive things:
OK, I suppose it is nice to be back in the UK & see my family again & to not be at work for three more weeks.
But that's it for the positive...


I am so totally fed-up right now & it's only going to get worse.


It's frustrating enough to have to ring a call centre.

But to have to ring ALL of them? It'd drive you mad.

I'm in the process of moving house & I like to be organised (or at least to give it a go).
I'm trying to get things like broadband connection & council tax & utilities & everything else sorted out soon. But that's not going to happen, oh no.

Everyone's a bastard. It's all about long-term contracts & one-off fees & paperwork.

eg Orange won't provide broadband unless I upgrade my mobile account & already have a BT landline; but BT won't provide a landline unless I take out some kind of 12-month package with them; and they're saying it'll cost £125 just to reconnect because my stupid vanishing ex-tenant (without asking me) swapped the lines over to NTL(now defunct).

And repeat.
eg Council can't give me a parking permit until I have proof of address; can't have proof of address for 2 weeks because of postal strike & the time taken to send out new bills.

And it goes on & on & on.

Coupled with frustrating/upsetting personal issues, plus the fact that I don't even HAVE a new address (oh, did I forget to mention that, my new flat doesn't have any floors; just bare concrete all over - the workmen are working though (if you count sitting on your ass & smoking incessantly as "work"); and I also need to decide on the layout & colours of the kitchen & bathroom - I don't bloody know, I'm a bloke).

Gah! Grrrr! Nnnnng!

And of course there's packing, & moving house...

Studies show that moving house is the single most stressful thing you can experience besides death of a loved one.

Meh... s'pose I shouldn't grumble.
It could all be much worse.

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Hometime

Well, my African adventure is nearly at an end.

I've had a great time, but I'm really looking forward to finally coming home (this weekend).

Haven't had much access to News while I've been here - have I missed anything?
-S-

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Swaziland...

...was not a theme park.

I was MOST disappointed.
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Well, I'm STILL in Africa...

So far I've done:
-Kenya (where I jumped with Masai warriors),
-Tanzania (including Zanzibar)
-Mozambique (where it rained almost continuously - although I ate the best seafood I have ever tasted in my life),
-Swaziland (where the King gets another new wife every year)

And now I'm taking my minor illnesses around South Africa (cough, cold, eye infection, etc).


After the busload of students, my new tour group consists of:

- me
- a married couple
and
that's it! Ho hum... Still, they're great fun - Aussies!


I'm all safari'd out.
I've seen The Big Five (Lion, Leopard, Buffalo, Elephant & Rhino) but only eaten one (so far).

And there's a week to go! I'm really looking forward to coming home, but still left on the itinerary before arriving in Cape Town are:

an ostrich farm,
an elephant sanctuary,
Birds of Eden,
and Monkeyland

(which had better be a theme park...)

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Waving (While Drowning)

If I don't make it to old age and die of natural causes, then I'm probably going to drown to death.


I can swim to save my life... but I'd prefer it if it didn't to come to that.

I've been snorkelling once before. It wasn't difficult.
So yesterday I jumped off the boat into the choppy waters of the Indian Ocean and was surprised to find I couldn't snorkel any more.

Instead I inhaled lungfulls of ocean. I'm not really designed for breathing underwater. If my nose is blocked (say, by a snorkelling mask) my natural instinct is to try & breathe in much harder until something gets into my lungs through my nose. In this case, lots of saltwater.

Despite being a singer, I'm actually quite bad at controlling my breathing. Which is why I am physically unable to smoke (even though it's cool & attracts the girls) - I just don't have the co-ordination.

I just couldn't overcome this whole breathing thing AND swim at the same time (I am only human after all) so I shamefully got back into the boat.

We went to much calmer waters a little later on, and there I could do it fine.
(Maybe it was 'cos I was wearing a life vest, I don't know)
First I hyperventilated.
Then I breathed liked Darth Vader with a head cold.
Then I sounded like a failed wean on ITU.
And finally, eventually, I was breathing normally.
So normally in fact that I couldn't hear myself breathing.
Because I'd stopped breathing.

Deep breath, glug glug glug, koff koff koff.

But after that setback, I got the hang of it pretty well. There were bazillions of fish, amazing colours, just indescribably beautiful. I just hung there as they swam around me. It was incredible.

After what seemed like hours, I eventually looked up, to find the boat & everyone else.

Gone.

I nearly pooed myself.

I have no sense of direction at the best of times. But thankfully, I was just facing the wrong way! Phew!

Saw a family of dolphins on the ride home too. Excellent!


So the trip's now going much better. I've found a few normal people to talk to, I've played football & volleyball (in Italian for some reason) and won the Karaoke competition last night.

I've had a really relaxing week. And it only cost the same as a week's camping!


Back on the truck in a few days - next stop South Africa!
Laters
-S-

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Camp

I'm on holiday in Africa and it's all going very well.


I've seen lions shagging on safari, nearly had my lunch pulled out of my hand by a vulture, handled a over-friendly boa constrictor and haggled eager shopkeepers into selling me their tat at a financial loss.

I've seen some of my friends develop comical sunburn patterns and I myself have got mosquito braille all over my ankles and my face has gone dark enough for me to be mistaken for a local ethnic.

The last two weeks have been spent mainly in campsites in Kenya & Tanganika (think up to 14 hours on a truck along dusty pot-holed roads, long-drop pit toilets, eating stew in the dark from metal plates and sleeping campsites with hyenas running through them).
In a few days time I'm starting another two week camping tour round South Africa (whose main claims to fame, everyone so kindly informs me, are gun crime, racial intolerance, and nice wine).


However, due to slight oversight on the parts of both my travel agent & myself, I'm spending this middle week in a luxury resort on the paradise island of Zanzibar. All food is included (you may recall that I see "All You Can Eat" as a personal challenge - Octopus is surprisingly filling); the experience is slightly spoiled by the waiters CONTINUOUSLY asking if I'm OK (I'm eating, of course I'm OK).

More importantly ALL drink is included (I am trying everything on the cocktail menu - have got to G so far and might not last the week)

To compensate for this Bacchin... Bachanae... pigging out, I've tried to participate in lots of sporting activities. However I usually need a short period of snake-like digestive sleep after each meal, so all I've really managed is AcquaGym & Water Polo - and I'm put to shame by the saggy old retired women (at least 2 of whom are called Beryl).

The rooms are amazing; the maids even sneak in while you're at dinner, and spray the room with mosquito repellent & fragrance & leave a creepy note saying "Sweet Dreams" on the pillow of the huge four-poster beds.

Everyone here is in couples. It would be an ideal place to bring your girlfriend/wife/husband/boyfriend (or combination of the above if so inclined).

But for that reason, I can't really properly hang out with anyone.
I do have the OHCM for company on the beach when it's quiet, but it's not the same as a real person...


And so, bizarrely, I find myself missing the students, travel agents & random foreigners that I was hanging out with on the truck... and look forward to meeting a new bunch in a few days.


I think I'll go drown my sorrows in the bar/pool.

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Yes, the irony is not lost on me - I'm whinging about being on holiday at a fab sunny beach resort; feel free to remind me when I'm doing 6 months of Chronic Pain clinics or spending Xmas Day on call!

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Suman is in ZANzibar!

I'm in an Internet cafe in Tanzania

Fuck me, the connection is SO sl

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