Night watch

I was on-call for the Maternity Unit last night.

The midwives tend to watch movies in the coffee room to stay awake when there's nothing going on.

At 5am, after I did an epidural, I popped in and saw which DVDs they'd been watching: The Omen, Constantine & Rosemary's Baby.

Obviously I'm not saying midwives are devil-worshippers.

I'll leave you to decide...

Read More

Good buy

I've had a few incidents in shops this week...

1) Hospital shop.
One of those places run by volunteers ie. elderly widows, usually closer to death than most of the patients. I fancied a non-fizzy drink so I got a bottle of flavoured water from the fridge (to keep things anonymous let's call it "Vulvic") & took it to the counter:

- That'll be 94p please. It's disgusting.
= 'scuse me?
- It's terrible. It really is.
= What is?
- How can they charge so much for a bottle of water. I wish I didn't have to take so much money from you, young man. I'm really sorry but there's nothing I can do about it.

I was stunned - such poor sales technique.
I went back later & nicked one when she wasn't looking. I think it's what she would've wanted.



2) Card shop.
A mate of mine recently announced his engagement. I tried to find a realistic card, but they don't make any which mention pregnancy, biological clocks or disappointment; they only had ones which were pastel or silver, all teddy bears & hearts - what's that got to do with weddings?

In the end, I found one with an arguing couple on the front, so I took it to the counter. Two chavvy salesgirls were there nattering, one was chewing her hair, the other looked like she was counting her nails.

- That's one ninety-nine please. My arse is really sore.

I stared blankly at her as she got my change. Her mate answered before I could give any advice. Just as well I s'pose.



3) Clothes.
I've discovered a great new game if the shop assistant working the till looks a bit, well, simple. Find something not for sale & take it to the counter. And wait.

First they look EVERYWHERE for a price tag. Only then do they get properly confused. Usually they then open their mouth to try and say something, but nothing comes out. After that they go and check with the manager. Finally they come back and say:

- I'm sorry, but my manager says it's not for sale. Do you want a store card?

I find this works best with mirrors, chairs and display dummies.



Shame - I really want a t-shirt with "SALE" written on it.

Read More

It's August

Lots of newly-qualified doctors start work this month.



You might want to stay as healthy as possible for the forseeable future...

Read More

Micro

Yesterday at work, I had a microwaveable curry (the hospital canteen is closed at night - you have to either bring something in from home or eat pies from a vending machine that just so happens to be situated next to the mortuary...)

Anyway, the curry came with a "mini chicken satay".















Cor, they weren't exaggerating, were they... ?

Read More

Sunday Papers

Today's headline on the front page of the News Of The World is that Ian Huntley confesses to strangling one of the schoolgirls.

Whereas today's Mail On Sunday has a free CD by...







Oops.

Read More

Bummer

Here's a bit of advice for all the brand-new doctors who started work this week -

when you write in your patient's medical records, don't abbreviate the word "analgesia".

Messy...

Read More

Absence

OK, OK, so I haven't updated the blog for ages. I can explain.

Lots of little things have happened which maybe I could have posted... but you deserve better, so I held off until there was something worth waiting for.

The more I waited, the more interesting and entertaining my next post HAD to be.

And now it's spiralled out of control.


I suppose I could've followed on from the seagull thing I mentioned before (several of my colleagues have been attacked now; interestingly I've discovered that seagulls hover above their victims & produce a seven-"Caw" pattern to alert the rest of the group to a potential target. I don't generally hang around long enough to find out what happens next... having said that, one of the A&E nurses has gone missing...)

It's tempting to regale you with some of the hil-ar-ious things that my girlfriend says & does - such as one night while we were sleeping - I rolled over to give her a cuddle, she woke up violently screaming "Who the fuck are you!". This was followed by a rather embarrassed silence as we stared at each other... (thankfully she got it right - albeit on the third guess)

Perhaps an update on Adam's live shows: the London ones went very well. Tried out lots of our new songs and the audience loved them. Edinburgh tickets are selling fast (so if you want to go, you had better get a wiggle on, hadn't you?)

Maybe I could have shared with you some of my newly-learnt medical facts (eg we humans tend to breathe through only one nostril at a time, alternating which one every hour or so. Apparently.)

Or maybe I could have tugged at your very soul with my experiences in this fine doctoring profession; of dealing with both bringing new life into this world, but also trying to make life more comfortable for those who are reaching the end.


But no. I didn't post anything at all.
I'm a such a tease.


To compensate:














here's a picture I took on my phone. Just for you.


We're even now.

Next post in a day or two...
-Suman-

Read More